This is a piece of creative writing that I put together after spending time with a woman I like a lot. The night ended in me being frustrated with myself and the beginning of a writing spree that continues today. Thank you muse. Muah! Right on the left check.

At thirteen years old I had my first date…

I can’t tell you the exact age when the mechanical genius of the penis and vagina clicked in my mind, but I would guess it to be around nine. By nine I had an eye for the penthouse my cousin kept under his mattress; I was fast forwarding R rated movies to the sex scenes; I leered at all women, homely and beautiful, and imagined them naked and lying on top of me. A Playboy got me a call to my parents in the fourth grade.

… At thirteen years old I was a virgin and not at all happy about it. My older brother knew some of the cool kids my age that lived in the neighborhood and found out what girl my age was fucking the cool kids, in and out of my neighborhood. He arranged for us to meet up, as we did, on a cloudy weekday…

I decided to start seeing women seriously when I was nineteen. I convinced myself that I liked a co-worker whom I had nothing in common with. As a consequence we went on a miserable date. The film we saw changed my life, but I couldn’t talk to her about it because I didn’t think she would understand.

… At thirteen years old I met the girl at my front door and walked her inside where we sat on the couch. For three minutes or so we chatted in a slightly awkward atmosphere. I told her that I thought we should take a walk. I often took long, quiet walks as a kid and thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to while walking. She said okay…

I met my first real girlfriend at the age of twenty-three. During the six months before that I had given up my search for a partner, and began simply searching for sex. When I met her, however, all we did was talk. I didn’t think about sex for the first three weeks. At the third week she walked me to her bed. Three years later I broke up with her.

… At thirteen years old I went for a walk with the girl whose name I’ve long forgotten. We didn’t talk much and when we returned to my house, then to my bedroom, we didn’t talk much some more. She soon told me she had to get back home before it got late. I offered to walk her there, but she politely declined…

I sat in Bryant Park at the age of thirty and realized that I would never be a father. I sat by myself, as I usually do, and looked around at the grass and the trees. I saw a couple playing with their daughter. I wanted that, but the thought of me finding someone to have that with seemed so improbable.

I began to calmly tear, and it was at that exact moment that it clicked in my mind that I would never find anyone who I wanted to lie on top of me, and take long walks with, and talk with so much that I could forget about sex and just enjoy their presence.

… At thirteen years old I had my first date. I wanted everything and got nothing.